Praise the sweet Lord Jesus; I'm no longer a Bartender slash Golf Ball Girl! I got a call last week from a lady I used to work with who started a marketing/communications company. Business has been going well and she wanted me to come in for a little interview to talk about a coordinating position. I walked into the interview feeling confident and left an hour and a half later feeling the same way I do after a really good first date: I was giddy, couldn't stop smiling, told my friends it was "The One!" and was envisioning our perfect future together. The next day I got a call asking if I was interested in the postion. Because "YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I AM" might be a wee bit too forthcoming, I said yes. And just Iike that I was hired.
I'm excited about this turn of events for a bevy of reasons, (money! i can work from anywhere! yay!!) the most exciting being that I don't have to be a Bartender Slash Golf Ball Girl anymore. And I'm not going to lie to you, if I hadn't quit I'm pretty positive I would have been fired within a few weeks. Why you may ask? Because I am without question the World's Worst Bartender Slash Golf Ball Girl. Here's why:
I'm not actually a Bartender. Nor do I really know what my job title was. This is slightly problematic for obvious reasons.
I'm slow-moving and easily distracted. If I wanted to run around I would join a gym, a-thank you very much. I handpicked this job because I thought it would allow me maximum slack-assery with minimal effort. I'm sorry you have to get back to the office and want to hit one more bucket of balls, but I have a text message to get back to. That takes precedence. And I'm going to write it at my own pace. Yes, my pace is that of a sea turtle, but that's how I roll. And it wasn't my idea to put multiple TV's in the bar! Do you have any idea how distracting Judge Judy is on mute? DO YOU?!
People are stupid. The things that come out of people's mouths make me wish I could perform a vasectomy. Because my mind is always on auto sarcasm, it's incredibly hard to stop myself from cracking wise-ass comments while dealing with a customer. Then there's always this really awkward delay between their question and my response because I've yet to master constructing said wise-ass comment in my head while simultaneously saying something polite to their face.
Sometimes I just don't feel like talking. Many people a day come in alone, order a drink and expect you to entertain them. This isn't a date buddy, I'm not going to bend over backwards to carry on a conversation with you. I'm exhausted! Sometimes I just can't converse anymore. Call a friend. Christ.
But seriously,some of the people that came into the driving range were hilarious, and I thank them for providing me with entertainment and great stories to tell my friends!
GOODBYE DRIVING RANGE... NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN REAL WORLD!!
APA
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
For the past couple of months I've just been livin' the dream. How can you argue with free food, no rent, and no job? The problem is, I'm starting to get too comfortable. I'd like to think I can pull off a lot of things, but being a 24 year old adult child might be universally upsetting. I'm starting to remind myself of Chazz from Wedding Crashers more and more everyday. Also my brothers have given me the lovely nickname “MEATLOAF” – if that isn’t embarrassing and sad, I’m not sure what is. On top of all of that I’m starting to get bored. Really bored. So, I've come to terms with the fact that I need to finally get a job. SIGH..
HOWEVER there is one slight problem: I cannot physically get a job to save my life. Upon hearing this, most people don’t believe me and assume I’m just a lazy, drunk, girl who doesn’t try. Which is only half true. Name a non-profit, marketing firm, media company, law firm, college, gallery, museum or private company and I guarantee you, I’ve applied there. I have written an encyclopedia’s worth of bullshit cover letters sent out with my resume and haven’t gotten even one preliminary interview. Who do I have to blow around here to get an interview??? Because as God as my witness, I will! (Not really.. I'm being a little dramatic)
AND By the way, I find it irritating when people tell you not to freak out because you haven’t been looking for a job that long. Not only is their entire point condescending, but they say it in this horribly judgmental way where you end up feeling like a complete asshole for being understandably stressed out: (the following is a phone conversation I had with a sorority sister this morning)
Me: Oh man, I’ve been looking for a job for a while now, I feel like I’m never going to get one.
Friend: Umm Ann, you’ve only been looking for a job for a couple of months. That’s really not that long at all. Some people have been looking for years. It’s really not a big deal.
Me: Oh good call. I’m such a p*ssy for being freaked out that I can’t buy my own food or afford to pay rent in a radically declining economy…My bad!!
…You know what? Call me when you lie about where you’re going at night because at the age of 24, you still need your parent’s permission to go out, and then we’ll talk. In the mean time, shut your pie-hole.
MOVING ON .. today I went to a million different doctor appointments. For some unknown reason I decided to schedule THREE ONE DAY. I mean, if I had spread them out I would at least have something to do for a few days. God that's a sad (but totally true) statement. Anyway, I went to a new doctor today because my homie retired and referred me to this nice Indian man. Little did I know he was going to make me spill my heart/soul/deepest darkest secrets. Walk with me...
Before my exam the Dr. asked me the standard first visit questions; "what medications do you take, any family history of diabetes or heart disease, blah blah..." But then the following conversation literally takes place:
Dr.: And do you smoke cigarettes?
Me: Nope.
Dr.: Do you drink?
Me: Yep.
Dr.: Do you take recreational drugs?
Me: Uh, no.
Dr.: Let me rephrase this for you, do you take recreational drugs? And yes Ms. this does include marijuana and cocaine. (gives glaring look)
Me: Right, so no.
Dr.: (heavily sighs) Listen, I'm not a police officer, I don't care, I just need to know for medical reasons. Do you smoke marijuana or snort cocaine?
Me: Uhhh well I'ver never done coke, but...umm...I don't know, yea I guess I smoke marijuana. Sometimes. I mean I have. But like, I'm not like, a pothead or anything. I don't really...
Dr.: How frequently do you smoke this marijuana?
Me: Ummmm...Uhh...well I mean, I don't buy really, like if it's there and other people are smoking, then game on, but like I don't have a dealer or anything--not here at least, my brother has some connections at his school but nothing too frequent. It's just like a social thing, but I guess that doesn't justify doing drugs...but umm...
Dr.: (deadpan, cold eyes staring through me) That's enough.
WTF?! I never knew a small Indian man with a thick accent and no hair could make me act so unbelievably awkward and truthful when really his question just warranted a simple "NO." I just rambled on and on and I couldn't stop, and the more I rambled the deeper his brow furrowed and the more nervous and honest I got. I called my mom and told her this story when I got home and she said "Well...looking at you, people are going to assume some things." Huh? I'm currently wearing a Banana Republic dress, not hemp pants with an oversized Bob Marley T-shirt.
UGH... I decided I needed a little inspiration. I AM AWESOME. I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT. I AM A NICE NORMAL GIRL. And then i found it THIS IS EXACTLY what I need to do. I think if I could just copy and record my own "Impossible is the Opposite of Possible" word for word I’d be good to go. Right? Not only would it would help me get a job but I could watch it daily to make me feel better. So I'd like to say thank you Michael Cera for being hilarious and adorable and for reminding me that as rough as life seems, there's no reason for me to act like an emo 12-year-old boy who didn't get a date to a junior high school dance. LIFE IS GOOD
APA
HOWEVER there is one slight problem: I cannot physically get a job to save my life. Upon hearing this, most people don’t believe me and assume I’m just a lazy, drunk, girl who doesn’t try. Which is only half true. Name a non-profit, marketing firm, media company, law firm, college, gallery, museum or private company and I guarantee you, I’ve applied there. I have written an encyclopedia’s worth of bullshit cover letters sent out with my resume and haven’t gotten even one preliminary interview. Who do I have to blow around here to get an interview??? Because as God as my witness, I will! (Not really.. I'm being a little dramatic)
AND By the way, I find it irritating when people tell you not to freak out because you haven’t been looking for a job that long. Not only is their entire point condescending, but they say it in this horribly judgmental way where you end up feeling like a complete asshole for being understandably stressed out: (the following is a phone conversation I had with a sorority sister this morning)
Me: Oh man, I’ve been looking for a job for a while now, I feel like I’m never going to get one.
Friend: Umm Ann, you’ve only been looking for a job for a couple of months. That’s really not that long at all. Some people have been looking for years. It’s really not a big deal.
Me: Oh good call. I’m such a p*ssy for being freaked out that I can’t buy my own food or afford to pay rent in a radically declining economy…My bad!!
…You know what? Call me when you lie about where you’re going at night because at the age of 24, you still need your parent’s permission to go out, and then we’ll talk. In the mean time, shut your pie-hole.
MOVING ON .. today I went to a million different doctor appointments. For some unknown reason I decided to schedule THREE ONE DAY. I mean, if I had spread them out I would at least have something to do for a few days. God that's a sad (but totally true) statement. Anyway, I went to a new doctor today because my homie retired and referred me to this nice Indian man. Little did I know he was going to make me spill my heart/soul/deepest darkest secrets. Walk with me...
Before my exam the Dr. asked me the standard first visit questions; "what medications do you take, any family history of diabetes or heart disease, blah blah..." But then the following conversation literally takes place:
Dr.: And do you smoke cigarettes?
Me: Nope.
Dr.: Do you drink?
Me: Yep.
Dr.: Do you take recreational drugs?
Me: Uh, no.
Dr.: Let me rephrase this for you, do you take recreational drugs? And yes Ms. this does include marijuana and cocaine. (gives glaring look)
Me: Right, so no.
Dr.: (heavily sighs) Listen, I'm not a police officer, I don't care, I just need to know for medical reasons. Do you smoke marijuana or snort cocaine?
Me: Uhhh well I'ver never done coke, but...umm...I don't know, yea I guess I smoke marijuana. Sometimes. I mean I have. But like, I'm not like, a pothead or anything. I don't really...
Dr.: How frequently do you smoke this marijuana?
Me: Ummmm...Uhh...well I mean, I don't buy really, like if it's there and other people are smoking, then game on, but like I don't have a dealer or anything--not here at least, my brother has some connections at his school but nothing too frequent. It's just like a social thing, but I guess that doesn't justify doing drugs...but umm...
Dr.: (deadpan, cold eyes staring through me) That's enough.
WTF?! I never knew a small Indian man with a thick accent and no hair could make me act so unbelievably awkward and truthful when really his question just warranted a simple "NO." I just rambled on and on and I couldn't stop, and the more I rambled the deeper his brow furrowed and the more nervous and honest I got. I called my mom and told her this story when I got home and she said "Well...looking at you, people are going to assume some things." Huh? I'm currently wearing a Banana Republic dress, not hemp pants with an oversized Bob Marley T-shirt.
UGH... I decided I needed a little inspiration. I AM AWESOME. I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT. I AM A NICE NORMAL GIRL. And then i found it THIS IS EXACTLY what I need to do. I think if I could just copy and record my own "Impossible is the Opposite of Possible" word for word I’d be good to go. Right? Not only would it would help me get a job but I could watch it daily to make me feel better. So I'd like to say thank you Michael Cera for being hilarious and adorable and for reminding me that as rough as life seems, there's no reason for me to act like an emo 12-year-old boy who didn't get a date to a junior high school dance. LIFE IS GOOD
APA
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Commercials, Cats and... Emo?
As anyone who knows me knows, I am not a morning person. Or an early afternoon person, let's be honest and I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around me between the hours of 5am and noon. Anticipating a new job starting soon (DEARGODPLEASE!) I've started to get up early in an effort to ween myself off of the vampire hours I usually keep. When I'm getting ready in the morning, I watch "NBC News" and then "The Today Show." I hate both equally, but I need some sort of background noise or else I'll fall back asleep mid-eye-lining thereby jabbing my eye with eyeliner and then tragically see only "very black" for the rest of my life. I believe, however, that the companies who advertise their products in the ungodly early working-gal/guy hours know that the demographic of people watching are half-asleep and cracked out. I tried to find some of these commercials to share but failed. Actually, I got kind of annoyed and bored looking for them so you’ll just have to take my word for it and/or tune in to any morning TV show and observe for yourself....
ANYWAY, it was especially rainy and dreary this morning and in a effort to avoid crawling back into bed I was roaming the internet and I stumbled upon this terrifying picture. Can I just say this cat (is it a cat? what is this? is it photo shopped? I'm so confused..)is straight up frightening . As in I could possibly have nightmares about this creature tonight. Everytime I look at it I kind of cringe.. uggh sick.
One of my sorority sisters sent a mass email titled "OMG TOO CUTE" with a video about a dog and a monkey from India. And while it is cute, I have some problems with it. The first issue is they portray this monkey as actually being friendly but to that I say LIAR. My friend has a monkey and it is the meanest little creature in the world. Second of all, you have to wear huge gloves to even handle the thing (which sucks because I couldn't even tell you if the monkey is soft? I've never actually "touched it"). Next, it certainly doesn’t like dogs/cats/humans/anything.. it growls/screams! ALL OF THE TIME. The only time it's cute and bearable is when it sleeps, which is like 3 hours a day. My final thought about this video is, do you think the dog enjoys having a monkey hanging on it's underbelly like that? I mean is the monkey not kind of pulling the pup's fur out? I don't know.. I'd be pissed.
Finally someone I follow on Twitter tweeted a link to a "What Color is Your Psyche?" quiz. Being bored as fuck, I decided to take it. I was very displeased with my results:
What?! First of all, I am the least spiritual, intuitive and serene person you will ever meet. "Anxious," "stressed out" and "frenzied" are three better terms to describe myself. And my path in life is destined to be "very lonely"?! Not even just plain lonely, but very lonely? What the f is that?? I want off this path! I mean, being enlightened is great and all, but I don't want to be very lonely for the rest of my life! Look at that sad, emo avatar! I don't want to be the girl who picks flowers and cries!
GEEZ!
APA
ANYWAY, it was especially rainy and dreary this morning and in a effort to avoid crawling back into bed I was roaming the internet and I stumbled upon this terrifying picture. Can I just say this cat (is it a cat? what is this? is it photo shopped? I'm so confused..)is straight up frightening . As in I could possibly have nightmares about this creature tonight. Everytime I look at it I kind of cringe.. uggh sick.
One of my sorority sisters sent a mass email titled "OMG TOO CUTE" with a video about a dog and a monkey from India. And while it is cute, I have some problems with it. The first issue is they portray this monkey as actually being friendly but to that I say LIAR. My friend has a monkey and it is the meanest little creature in the world. Second of all, you have to wear huge gloves to even handle the thing (which sucks because I couldn't even tell you if the monkey is soft? I've never actually "touched it"). Next, it certainly doesn’t like dogs/cats/humans/anything.. it growls/screams! ALL OF THE TIME. The only time it's cute and bearable is when it sleeps, which is like 3 hours a day. My final thought about this video is, do you think the dog enjoys having a monkey hanging on it's underbelly like that? I mean is the monkey not kind of pulling the pup's fur out? I don't know.. I'd be pissed.
Finally someone I follow on Twitter tweeted a link to a "What Color is Your Psyche?" quiz. Being bored as fuck, I decided to take it. I was very displeased with my results:
Your Psyche is Violet |
 You are spiritual, intuitive, and serene. People trust you to rescue them from bad situations, and you usually come through. While you are quite enlightened, you find that your path is very lonely. When you are too violet: you can't connect to ordinary life or ordinary people When you don't have enough violet: you lack wisdom and can't learn from the past |
What?! First of all, I am the least spiritual, intuitive and serene person you will ever meet. "Anxious," "stressed out" and "frenzied" are three better terms to describe myself. And my path in life is destined to be "very lonely"?! Not even just plain lonely, but very lonely? What the f is that?? I want off this path! I mean, being enlightened is great and all, but I don't want to be very lonely for the rest of my life! Look at that sad, emo avatar! I don't want to be the girl who picks flowers and cries!
GEEZ!
APA
Monday, August 10, 2009
Hiii
Welcome to Goof Around Now! I'm Ann, a 20-something living in WV.. yes I wear shoes, no I do not have incestuous relations with my famly and YES I AM AWESOME. I have kind of a funny life and plan on sharing my goofy stories with you all. Due to the current state of our economy I have a liiiittle bit of extra time on my hands and this will be a good little project for me. And, trust me, you'll thank me for sharing my hilarious daily adventures and funny websites. I should go ahead and say there will be a certain level of anonymity to this blog as I may someday be president and am not sure if I want this piece of work out there haunting me.. so there's that.
For now I will leave you with this..
Facebook is one of my favorite things in the world. These days a lot of parents are on it too, including mine. When they went to Mexico a few months my mom did daily posts on my wall.. they were incredibly long and would have been more appropriate in a email. I really doubt my friends wanted to know that my stepfather spent two days of vacation trying to pass a kidney stone... nor did they want a play by play of their 2 hour layover in Pittsburgh where my mom had 1 too many Bloody Mary's and made BFF's with a nice gay couple from Ohio. Besides that little gripe... they dont bother me at all! These goofs are hilarious though annnd I thiiink you'll enjoy it!
APA
For now I will leave you with this..
Facebook is one of my favorite things in the world. These days a lot of parents are on it too, including mine. When they went to Mexico a few months my mom did daily posts on my wall.. they were incredibly long and would have been more appropriate in a email. I really doubt my friends wanted to know that my stepfather spent two days of vacation trying to pass a kidney stone... nor did they want a play by play of their 2 hour layover in Pittsburgh where my mom had 1 too many Bloody Mary's and made BFF's with a nice gay couple from Ohio. Besides that little gripe... they dont bother me at all! These goofs are hilarious though annnd I thiiink you'll enjoy it!
APA
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